Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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