Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
