break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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