remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
