I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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