I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
