I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sorry about my life...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
