im drinking this country out of the recession.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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