they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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