Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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