you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
