I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
