currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
