ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
