Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
