just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
