I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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