I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're a waste of cheezeits
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
