i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The uberlube is also flammable
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
