im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
