Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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