Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
