can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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