It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
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So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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