I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
