I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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