dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
