dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i think my cat just said my name.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
