The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
