YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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