I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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