If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
