God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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