I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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