Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
