First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
