so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
