Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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