Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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