I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
