you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
