Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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