i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
