can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
