If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
