Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
