This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize