Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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