I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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