It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
