Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
