this just has baby written all over it
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
