I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
