I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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