i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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