Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.