Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
