I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..