I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
