he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
