Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
