i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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